How do you respond to uncomfortable situations? Do you fight, or tuck tail and flight?
I will choose flight 99% of the time; I am an avoider by nature. And, for so long I viewed confrontation as a fight to be avoided.
As I’ve grown in leadership I realize the flaws in my previous thinking. When interacting with people, in any capacity, learning to resolve conflict is an invaluable tool in preserving and restoring peace with others.
Over the next three weeks I will be sharing some helpful insights I have gleaned about confrontation; I hope you will find them beneficial as well.
Below are three truths that have challenged my thinking and have proven invaluable in helping me address and handle confrontation.
Lie: Confrontation is bad.
Truth #1: Confrontation, as a concept, is neutral.
Disagreements, misunderstandings and mistakes are inevitable. Conflict can be the result of malicious behaviors, but usually it is caused unintentionally.
Often we are quick to judge others by their actions; but, we expect to be judged by our motives.
Confrontation should never be sought as a way to relieve aggression, nor should it be avoided entirely. At it’s core, confrontation is a way to regain and restore peace and find a way to productively move forward with others.
Caring for people should be at the heart of confrontation. Every party may not agree with the final outcome, but once an issue is addressed it opens up communication and encourages action steps to be taken toward fixing the problem. Ultimately, the way the conversation is approached and handled will determine whether the experience is positive or negative.
Lie: It’s best not to cause waves.
Truth #2: It is more harmful to keep the waves inside.
I grew up striving to be seen as a “good girl,” as one who was polite and followed the rules. Anytime I experienced a hurt or injustice I masked the truth of my feelings with a smile. I thought it was better to pretend that everything was okay than to risk hurting someone’s feelings, or, worse, making them mad by addressing the issue. Looking back, I realize I didn’t realize the value of my own feelings.
Repressing feelings, in effect, causes an internal pressure cooker of anger and bitterness. These repressed feelings express themselves by avoiding people, gossiping or being overly sensitive; emotions have a way of surfacing and negatively impacting every aspect of one’s life. No relationship has a chance to grow or flourish when one is avoiding the other.
Confrontation doesn’t have to cause waves, but it has the power to change the tide of a strained relationship.
Lie: Confrontation will cause hurt and anger and ultimately damage relationships.
Truth #3: Confronting issues can actually strengthen relationships.
You can only control the way you handle and react to a situation. Confronting an issue with someone may sever the relationship, even with your best attempts to handle things appropriately.
But, appropriately addressing an issue, and bringing it to the light, indicates the care and value placed on the friendship. People are usually more receptive when issues are addressed in love, with obvious care and concern. Even those who might initially be hurt often realize later that the conversation was necessary and beneficial.
Confronting an issue in love sends the message that you care about the person too much to let the issue cause any further friction, damage or hurt.
Takeaway: Handle the feelings and well being of others with care, remembering that confrontation provides opportunities to demonstrate love while restoring peace.
What are some lies you have believe about confrontation? What are the truths you have learned to counteract those lies?