I once heard that expectations are (often) just our attempts to maintain, even regain, control.

Oh, sure. Expectations have a place, and are needed. Parents expect their children to behave and obey their rules, teachers expect to see students progress in their understanding throughout a school year, bosses expect employees to perform according the the job requirements, employees expect to be paid for their work.

I have also found that our expectations can stem from our own insecurities.

Can you believe she’s wearing that?

Why is he with her?

The problems with placing expectations upon other adults are too numerous to list here. Inevitably, we will be disappointed by something someone did at some time or another. But, how piously righteous of us to think that our way is the best way, the correct way. And, maybe these expectations cannot be traced back to anything noble, but, rather, stem from the root that can only be called by its true name: pride.

I consider this topic of expectations as I sit in the familiar muggy air that feels and smells of what can only be Alabama in the summer. Although I’m not from from Alabama, it’s home. And, like all good love stories ours is one full of tension and tears, heartbreak and a final realization that we do understand and love one another after all. It would make a great Hallmark movie. Here’s the thing, I might meet some of your expectations about what someone from Alabama is like, but chances are you will discount any association I have with the south once you hear my accent. I do not sound southern, which I am simultaneously proud and deeply saddened by. Remember, it’s complicated.

But, regardless of what you think about my southernerness, I am comfortable here, and understand the trials and joys of this place. And, if you need some sort of proof, other than my word, let’s talk during football season. I see your questions and will raise you a pure and true “Roll Tide.”

But, back to the point. I notice that we are often the most harsh with our expectations when we feel that we are failing in a specific area or situation. When we are content and satisfied, secure in who we are, we do not need to put our expectations on one another.

I’m amazed and awed by Jesus as I read the gospels. Jesus was gentle, patient and kind. In fact, he was only harsh with the pharisees and religious leaders, the very ones who tried to push their religious expectations on others.

Which makes me wonder, Who are the pharisees of our day? Perhaps that’s a conversation for another day.

As I grow and mature I hope that I will change some of my thinking. Some of that mess is seeded in legalism and tainted American culture, it even drips with self righteousness and sin.

What I am learning to distinguish between is whether my expectations for others come from concern for the person, or from my attempt to control or judge or somehow project my own insecurities on to another.

While there is a time to rebuke, correct, train and teach, there is also a time to sit back and consider. What is the motive from which our expectations come. If we’re honest, our expectations might be (more) tainted more often than we ever expected.

In the meantime, let’s start by removing the burden of our unnecessary expectations from the shoulders of those around us. And instead, let’s just meet everyone right where they are, considering that they are simply doing the best that they can.