Modest is hostest. A phrase that has been tossed around Christian circles for decades, encouraging young ladies to dress in such a way that covers the bits that might cause boys to stumble into sexual sin.

What is or isn’t considered modest attire is wide and varied, a debate that often ends in disagreement. There is no universally agreed upon definition for the term, and as time marches on we have watched the strict standards for modesty wane and loosen.

More concerning, however, than the fact that modesty is a subjective term, is the undercurrent of blame and shame pointed toward girls that accompanies such thinking and teaching. In essence, girls are taught that they carry a responsibility, a burden that extends to controlling their own behaviors and actions as well, in helping prevent boys from acting upon their (practically) uncontrollable urges.

Boys will be boys, after all.

The colloquial phrase common in the “coming of age” narrative. A phrase understood in meaning: that the mischievous, reckless and often inappropriate behaviors of boys is both expected and excused. The belief that boys need to sow some wild oats before they are expected to mature and eventually “settle down.”

The collateral damage for allowing boys to behave in such a manner is, more often than not, girls. Our precious girls.

The double standard that boys can misbehave and come out, at least mostly, unscathed; while a girl who demonstrates such behaviors is labeled with offensive terms and, at the very least, receives the disappointment of society.

This narrative is not some outdated thinking of the past, either. It is alive and well, and can been seen through the, subtle and not so subtle, messages portrayed in movies, articles written by the press, behaviors seen at neighborhood cafes. And, while most would say they reject such thinking, it is quite prevalent in both cultural and religious groups alike.

Recently a father, presumable Christian by faith, posted an open letter, of sorts, to a very specific group of young women. In it he expressed his disapproval of the clothing of said young ladies, reasoning that if they want the respect they deserve they need to dress more appropriately, especially in front of simpleminded boys. He questioned how he could be expected to teach his son to respect women if he could not even take his son to a sporting event due to the excessive skin exposure. He ended by assuring these young ladies that they are cherished and should be put on a pedestals.

The post received numerous likes, shares and comments. He probably had good intentions in writing the post, but the time for applauding good intentions is over. His post was full of entitled proclamation of superior thinking, blame towards the girls, and excusing the bad behavior of boys due to their simplemindedness.

Newsflash: people will not always adhere to our individual standards and expectations, yet they are still worthy of dignity and respect.

We live in a world of different ideas and beliefs, cultures and faith practices. Respect is something that should be given to every person, regardless of their willingness to comply to our values and belief systems.

Of course, every place is not appropriate for children, but perhaps we, as adults, should be more present in the places of greatest need. After all, light is the most noticeable and beneficial in the darkest of places. Girls don’t need pedestals and boys need to be seen as more than simpleminded. Such thinking is both offensive and demeaning. Every person is full of complex thinking, feelings and highly capable of extraordinary things.

It is also important to note that the girls being addressed in his post are also some of the most targeted for “sugar daddy” sights. There are deeper issues at play than mere lack of modesty. Where are the voices of men in calling out such misbehavior among men; the voices raised in defense of the honor and dignity of girls and women?

It’s time to rewrite the narrative. For boys and girls, men and women. We all deserve better.

Girls should be taught to love and respect themselves and others, and to consider how their actions might affect others. Absolutely. In tandem, though, boys need to be taught to love and respect themselves and others, and to consider how their actions might affect others. It’s a narrative that allows each person to take responsibility for his or her own behaviors and actions, without excuse, without need to elevate nor dismiss any one person.

We need a new narrative that destroys the harmful thinking of rough and tough masculinity and misogyny in boys, and counteracts the insecurities of girls induced through the lies of being simultaneously too much and not enough.

It’s a narrative that considers differences, offers equal opportunities and gives each person permission to flourish.

In doing so we might just learn to better defend, honor and truly love one another with attributes like peace, patience, kindness and self control.