I went to college with a girl, let’s call her Molly, who seemed to have it all together. Molly was outgoing and funny, popular in a way that seemed effortless. I envied her self-confidence and the ease in which she claimed her space and place, even in the most crowded of rooms.

We were friendly, but not friends. And our paths didn’t cross much until junior year when we were both elected to the SGA. It was that year that we forged a great divide between us. One evening she confessed that she had always been a little intimidated by me, since I was so actively involved in campus life and holding various leadership roles campus-wide, including president of my sorority.

We saw confidence in each other, but neither of us felt particularly confident in ourselves. We had been measuring our perceived weaknesses to the strengths of the other. The qualities we most noticed in the other were not necessarily in the makeup of our own personalities, yet we seemed to somehow deem these qualities as (basically) ideals for which we were falling short.

I guess, though, that comparison is something we all struggle with from time to time. But, as I have grown and gained understanding in how I am wired, I am capable of celebrating differences more often than I feel the need to compare myself against them. Our individual strengths and skills allow us to compliment the unity of the whole.

We need each other.

Knowing ourselves and how we have been created is an integral way to gain confidence in the various roles we fill.

Who are you? How would you answer this question without mentioning your likes and dislikes? Do you know your gifts, your strengths, your motivations?

I have taken many personality, gifts and strengths tests over the years. Some have been helpful, others have been less so. For example, Myers-Briggs feels un-relatable because I fall almost smack-dab in the middle of introvert and extrovert. I am too introverted to be considered an extrovert, and too extroverted to be considered an introvert. However, the test requires the label of one or the other, leaving me dazed and confused.

On the other hand, the Strengths Finder test, especially in the context of team, has been a great tool to identify and utilize the strengths of each individual. When we work mostly out of our strengths we not only perform better, but we tend to be more creative and motivated in our work.

However, the tool that has been the most beneficial to me has been through my study of the Enneagram. The Enneagram is different in that it speaks to individual motivation. I have learned to identify the qualities, both positive and negative, that I exhibit when I am in a state of stress and health. I have also gained a new perspective and appreciation for why others might think and behave in ways that are different from my own thinking and behavior. It has been a study upon which I have only begun to stratch the surface, but one that has given me more insight and clarity into my own person.

While tests are helpful, they can often feel confining. We are complex, ever changing beings; I don’t know anyone who wants to feel labeled or boxed-in. And while I think tests have their place, they are merely tools to help us identify that which we might not otherwise notice or consider, and grow in understanding of who we are and how we relate to others.

Knowing who we are also requires self-reflection and inviting others to share their perceptions, thoughts and insights into what they see in us. It’s an ongoing process. And, as I have often struggled with myself, it requires us to value each gift equally, refusing to treat certain strengths, gifts and personality types as better than or more important than others.

And, as I learned with Molly all those years ago, as we gain more confidence in who we are we become less threatened by the gifts and strengths of others. In fact, we find almost a relief in differences because we realize that we don’t have to be all things to all people all the time. Indeed, we can never fill such a role. And knowing this frees us up to be the individuals we were meant to be.

We truly are better together.

So, who are you?