Several months ago I was asked to be in a church video. Those of us selected were asked to provide two words or short phrases that describe what we were before vs. what we are now through the help of Jesus. (i.e. From: Hopeless // To: Hopeful). They called them “cardboard testimonies.”

I did not participate.

I’m sure these videos can be done well and can even serve as an effective tool in certain cases. But, as my faith has grown and matured, my understanding has expanded on what it means to be a Christian with a testimony.

My thoughts below use a general we for Christians, (the Church). I know these things are not always true, nor are they true everywhere. But, they describe my general experience spanning many states, regions and denominations.

Identity and Belonging

We often hear from the pulpits that our identity is not found in what we do, but rather it is secured by the very One to Whom we belong. But over and over the institutions we have developed around this thing called church have placed labels upon us: teacher, high-capacity leader, door holder. We are given a role, a purpose.

“We chose you for this video because we think you are an awesome leader.”

We are encouraged to get involved and “find our place.” To belong. And, while serving is an important part of taking care of one another, it cannot be the means that determines the extent to which we truly belong. As a member of a family, we belong by simply being born. As members of the Body, the Church, we belong because we are the adopted children of God. Period. Our service (works) should come from the overflow of our faith and love–not as a means to be fully accepted into the fold of the church family.

I am still learning that what I do does not define who I am. It’s hard to receive that truth. We humans like to earn our place, earn our righteousness, earn our belonging, and we certainly do not need the church confusing matters further.

Christian Testimony

Our testimonies are not a one time occurrence. They do not describe the moment all of our worries suddenly faded. Whether intentionally or not, Christians often send the message that “with Jesus, we’ve got it all together, all figured out.” WRONG. Not only do we NOT have it all figured out, we are doing a major disservice to people, including ourselves, by even pretending that this is minutely true.

We have Jesus. And Jesus is perfect. But, in no way does this perfection transfer to our earthly beings. We struggle and fall and fail and flail just like every other human this side of eternity. So, when we try to oversimplify our testimonies down to a couple of words or short phrases we are not being honest. Sure. Through the blood of Jesus, we are seen as spotless and clean, but to suggest, for example, that I am always full of hope is completely false. I can say that I have peace, but that doesn’t mean that I never worry or stress or freak right on out.

The thing is, I might not always feel these feelings, but I know the One who is their very embodiment. For, I know Hope. I know Peace. I know Love and Joy. I know I Am.

Do you know why we have to claim scriptures over our lives, like the ones that tell us we have not been given a spirit of fear? Because, at times, we all struggle with fear. And, our struggles are not a surprise to God. God sent his Son to act as a direct line of access to the Father. He left his Spirit to act as our counselor and guide. Each day is full of new mercies because God knew we would need new mercies each and every day. Moment by moment grace.

I have been a Christian since I was 5 years old. Surely to goodness no one expects that I had it all figured way back then. In fact, I’m finding that as I grow in my knowledge of God I have to break down the lies that I have believed for so long, the legalism and “rules” to which I have clung.

Faith is hard.

And perhaps if we ever find that our god agrees with everything we do and say we are not actually following God at all, but rather something that we have made to (quite suspiciously) look and behave and sound a lot like us. And, friends, that’s called an idol.

Messaging

Underneath all the picture perfect that we like to portray to the world I would argue that the most destructive message we send is: “Get your act together and then you can come.” Outsiders often see faith as something that is earned by those who have somehow managed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Which, in fact, sounds a whole lot like the American Dream.

In reality, the message of the gospel is always Come! Pure and simple. Come. No matter the mess you find yourself in. Come. The mistakes you’ve made in the past? Come.

Come.

The message of the gospel, of hope, is for the sick and lame, for the ones most hurting and most entangled in sin. Jesus wasn’t impressed with the pharisees. Appearances mean absolutely nothing in Kingdom currency; for all of our striving to look good on the outside is as empty as a white washed tomb.

And judgment. There is no room for judging others who live different lifestyles, or who are participating in things to which “we highly disapprove.” We’ve got to do better with being known for our love. Jesus says come. He never adds a but or fears those who have different thoughts or ideas. He has welcomed all of our broken, messy selves.

Come.

I know we don’t mean to do these things, but somehow this need to look good sneaks in and takes over our best intentions of showing people Jesus. We try our best, but confuse looking the part with living the part. Our stories are so much more than the moment we believed it all true. So often we say the words we think we are supposed to say and behave the way we think we’re supposed to behave on Sundays. Are we worried that if we show our weakness or failures we will somehow lessen Jesus? Have we forgotten that in our weakness He is strong?

Life is full of heartache and struggle–and in sharing the struggle, not portraying the perfect, we find common ground with others.

This is what I’m learning. For, you see, I know all of the right words to say, ways to act, scriptures to quote. I like to be seen as having it all together, all figured out. And, I want to learn to be more authentic and vulnerable. I want to be more open and honest with the real me and not just the polished and pretty side.

These are some of the reasons that I could not participate in the video mentioned above. As much as I’d like people to believe the opposite, I am not a poster girl for the Christian faith. At least, not in the neatly packaged way often wanted within the church community. I am complex. I have not arrived, but find myself in the middle of the sanctification process.

I do not remember life away from Christ, but in no way do I have everything ironed out and ready to present nice an neat. And, I can definitely not give you two words that describe this journey I have been on my entire life. This is the messy middle–sometimes I struggle with doubt and question the things I think I should have figured out by now.

I find great relief in knowing that my rough edges do not have to be perfectly polished in order to enjoy the love, grace and abundant life that is freely offered.

This gift is not just for everyone (which seems impersonal), but for anyone (every individual) willing to believe and receive Jesus’s simple message of: Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. -Matt. 11:28 (NIV)

Such sweet and powerful truth that perhaps we should all reflect upon today.