I recently heard a life coach mention that she would be the same person that she is today even if she hadn’t gone through her past traumatic experiences.

I disagree. Respectfully, of course. While she might have her empathy, patience, and so many of the qualities that make her a good coach, she would not be able to connect to her clientele, mainly women dealing with trauma, the way that she does because she wouldn’t have her relatable story.

I am a firm believer that no experience is wasted–we can either allow the hard times to make us bitter or we can leverage them to make us better.

I am extremely grateful for my experience working in an unhealthy environment, and I am certain that I would not be who I am today without having gone through all that I experienced.

I owe a lot of my leadership growth to my last supervisor. He was a visionary and big dreamer–a man of action. I admired his tenacity and confidence in his ability to figure things out. He had a contagious energy and shortly after he was hired he became the organization’s magnetic pull and guiding force, affecting every major decision, goal, program, and direction.

He was hired to keep the organization relevant and growing and he was the right man for the job. While there was so much good happening in terms of momentum, I couldn’t help but notice all the hurting people in the wake of the big decisions being made.

I found myself conflicted–should I continue to blindly trust the leaders or should I speak out against what I was experiencing and seeing. I decided to start using my voice and this is where my boss catapulted my leadership growth.

Of all the things I learned from him, and there were many, perhaps the greatest was in understanding the power and gift of providing a safe place for confrontation. He not only welcomed my concerns, he expected me to be open and honest. If he ever sensed that I was holding back he would ask direct questions, invited me to share until we reached the root of the problem.

As time went on it become easier to confront him, and it was usually through tears that I would explain what I had experienced or seen and the hurt that was caused. As I would talk he would pass me the box of tissue and listen, he never tried to persuade or excuse a situation away.

We had a mutual respect for one another. I understood his gifts, and he also understood mine. I knew he was a big dreamer and was always looking toward the next big goal; he knew I was listening, watching, and caring for the people. He called me the office counselor and knew that many coworkers across departments were confiding in me.

I believe that he also understood the tenderness of my tears, knowing that they were not a weakness, but rather a physical representation of the deep hurt I was witnessing for others and experiencing myself.

I wish I could say that I helped create a healthy and positive work culture, but that isn’t what happened. I built a team that I am still extremely proud of, and I found a strength and fight to use my voice and eventually leave altogether.

I am extremely grateful to my boss and that hard season–I wouldn’t be who I am today without either one.

In that safe space I was empowered to use my voice, and through that experience I learned the importance of providing a safe space for others as well.

As someone who naturally avoids conflict and confrontation, here is what I learned:

• Keep conflict as neutral as possible, avoiding emotions like defensiveness and anger.
• Listen while the other person(s) speaks.
• Acknowledge the hurt that was experienced.
• Be quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness when appropriate.
• Ask permission to speak into the situation

In learning how to approach and address conflict, I learned that confrontation, (when done well), actually strengthens trust and nurtures a relationship, (regardless of the type).

I only visited the office once after I left–it provided some closure and allowed me to reconnect and say goodbye, perhaps for the last time, to many of the people I had worked with for years.

I am grateful and thankful for my last supervisor. And, if I ever see or talk with him again I will be sure to express my sincerest thanks.