I used to fear the word no. And, to be sure, it is still a hard word for me to both hear and say. It often feels harsh and unfeeling, but what I have come to learn is that it is also often a kindness expressed and a relief to speak. A no carries disappointment and heartache; a no also carries potential and opportunity. Every no gives way to a better yes. Every no creates space and room in order that the yeses may be carried through with thought and care.

I used to believe that it was wrong and selfish to have needs. I took Acts 20:35, “it is more blessed to give than to receive,” to an extreme. I have a tendency to give and give without being willing to receive. 1 John 4:19 tells us that “we love because he first loved us.” The same is true with actions such as grace and mercy. I can only give to others that which I have already received myself. Neglecting my own needs does not express humility, but rather a false humility of self-sufficiency. I am learning that a willingness to receive, from both God and others, produces the natural overflow of service that truly blesses the receiver, as well as the giver.

I used to strive to be seen as a good girl. I wanted everyone to like me. I believed nice and sweet, quiet and compliant were close to godliness. I didn’t want to be seen as “difficult” or loud; disappointing others felt like one of the worst things I could do. But, you know what? I would rather be kind, and kind requires speaking up against injustices, inequalities and evil. Everyone won’t like me or agree with me, and my feelings will probably be hurt, but that’s okay. I would rather my legacy be one of love and action, rather than sweet and compliant.

I used to think that men were naturally better leaders than women. I also used to think that there were certain roles for men and others for women. Separate, but equal, if you will. I now view this as one of the most dangerous and damaging beliefs and values still clung to by so many. What I grew up believing to be a covering and protection, I now know, through the stories of others as well as my own experiences, to be a means of maintaining control and power. We need women. Period. We need their voices, emotions and natural leanings to be heard and valued alongside men. We need both. Men and women. It’s not a matter of either / or, but one of both / and.

I used to believe that every issue was black and white, with a clear right or wrong. It’s simpler to look at life this way, isn’t it? It’s more comfortable to pass judgements and discount ideas when we think in only terms of right or wrong. But, I am realizing that most issues live in various shades of grey. And just because I don’t agree with something doesn’t make it wrong. In truth, when I take an honest look at most issues, I can see the good and truth in different sides, from the many angles. Perhaps my need to draw hard lines really comes down to my need for comfort, but in addressing my comfort I am also faced with the privilege and power I hold that many do not. And then I am left with questions of how my views might change if my situation were different. There is so much grey, and really, I guess, it all comes down to the fact that I would rather lean toward mercy and grace, leaving the hard line drawing and heart changing to the deep inner workings of the Holy Spirit.

I’m learning and growing, changing and becoming more of the women I was created to be.

Take a moment to consider how you might finish this sentence:

I used to _______________________________.