My personality type, according to the enneagram, is called “the helper.” In short, I often mistake being needed for being loved and appreciated. I have a hard time with boundaries and saying no, and I avoid voicing my own needs for fear of being seen as needy or a burden to others.
A fairly accurate portrayal of my life, I’d say.
As a child I didn’t tell the dentist that the Novocain wasn’t working while I was having a tooth pulled. I was a good student in school, but rarely, if ever, asked teachers for clarification when I didn’t understand something; I waited until I got home, in a panic, to ask my parents for help. Even as an adult I say yes to things that I do not want to do.
Unfortunately, these habits to please others at the expense of my own needs has too often produced things like burn-out, anxiety and even resentment in not being cared for.
Brené Brown says that “clear is kind and unclear is unkind.”
I find this statement both refreshing and convicting.
Such a phrase seems obvious in regards to the professional world. Unclear expectations lead to unhappy employees and an unhealthy work environment, which ultimately leads to poor job performance and a lower overall business outcome.
But, what about our personal lives? Sure, we would all say that we are kind, but how often do we “beat around the bush” or make up excuses to get out of activities, all in the name of kindness? I know I’m guilty. I never want to hurt someone’s feelings, and I always want to be seen as reliable and responsible.
How about when we RSVP as “maybe” knowing full and well that we have no intentions of attending the event. Perhaps a maybe seems less harsh, but it doesn’t help the person planning the event and needing an accurate head count.
Clear is kind in the professional world. Clear is also kind in our personal worlds.
Maybe all of this seems obvious; we know it’s true and just need to put it into practice more often.
I am also learning that this phrase applies to me, myself, as well. When I am clear, not only am I being kind to others, but I am also being kind to myself. When I say no, even if I have room in my schedule, I am allowing myself more time to say the yeses that I actually want to say. And, when I am clear about my needs, I allow others to actively participate in my life in a meaningful way.
Being clear not only allows us to express expectations as far as work and tasks are related, it also allows us to express the respect we have for ourselves and, in turn, expect from others.
Learning to be kind in our clarity is not a limited phrase, but one applicable in all situations. Because, not only is being clear kind, but it’s also telling the truth. And, telling the truth is something that even a child can tell you is the kind thing to do.